There are two reasons women want to cuddle, immediately following sex:
1. They want to feel loved.
2. They aren't satisfied.
Now, I'm not talking about sleeping in a heap in the middle of the bed. I'm not talking about lying next to someone watching a movie or just talking. I'm talking about immediately AFTER sex. The need for more. The touching in hopes for something more. A double-header. Another go-round.
Touch is essential to every relationship. Period. It is super important, in fact.
This cuddle thing, well, it is a tell tale sign your significant other is feeling a bit left out in the orgasm realm.
In this site, we will reveal things necessary to have a healthy happy relationship with your spouse.
Now I hear what you are thinking..."But, we have a great sex life."
And my response is quite simple. Are you "BOTH" having a great sex life...
1. What??? NO WAY
Now I hear what you are thinking..."But, we have a great sex life."
And my response is quite simple. Are you "BOTH" having a great sex life or are you just doing your business and she's just there as a depository for your "little guys"?
The fact is, if your wife isn't beside you in a state of complete and utter satisfaction, you aren't doing your job.
How can you tell if your wife is totally satisfied? It is as easy as the look on her face.
If she has a smile that just won't go away, you've done well.
If she lays there, not caring she is naked, or who walks in, or if the house is burning down, well, you may have done your job.
If she, right after you are done, quickly turns her back on you and "falls asleep", you didn't do your job.
If she wants to cuddle or be close to you and want you to continue to touch her or caress her, you didn't do your job.
If she gets up and finds something else to do and basically ignores you, you didn't do you job.
If she, at some point in the next 24 hours, gets really mad at you for not taking out the garbage, or doing things on her "hunny do" list, you didn't do you job.
Simply put, if a woman is completely satisfied, your life will be so much easier and happier. And chances are, you will be having more sex than you ever imagined and the word Sexual Frustration will completely disappear from your mind.
2. Grandma's Always Right
When I was in my late 20s I visited with my grandmother. She made a comment about waiting until I'm 50 and see how great sex is. I remember thinking no way can you enjoy having sex more than I currently do. I'm 28. I'm able to touch my toes.
Well, I hate to say it, but I believe she was right...in a way. After 20+ years of marriage, sex couldn't be better. Why? Because we have figured each other out. We know what we like and are really good at providing what each other needs.
That kind of chemistry doesn't happen over night. It doesn't happen by you climbing on your significant other, spending 2.5 minutes doing your business and then quickly falling asleep. It takes an active determination to figure out what makes your wife tick...or explode in ecstasy. Do you know your wife's triggers? Do you know whether or not she has honestly had an orgasm? Is she having only one or many? If the answers are you don't know, you aren't doing your job correctly. If you have to ask, chances are you have no honest clue.
Making your wife happy in bed is your number one job.
Raising kids is important, but when the kids are all grown and you are empty-nesters, you need to be able to have something worthwhile to do.
Having a job is important, but when you retire, what then? Golf and Jeopardy?
You need to figure out your wife's triggers and get really good at providing all that she needs to be a happy, satisfied woman.
3. It's Not What You Have...
It's How You Use It
I was in an adult toy store not that long ago and I overheard a woman asking for the correct vibrator for her soon to be married sister.
It made me think back to a therapist who said, women should begin sex with a dildo to make sure she was ready for her husband.
UM...there is something seriously wrong with both of these sentences. YOU need to be the hands, fingers, tongue, penis that is your wife's vibrator/dildo. YOU need to be the item that brings her the most pleasure. Not something she can purchase in a store. YES, it will require more work on your part, but it will also mean you will be having MORE sex. And isn't that what you are always griping about.The first step is to figure out what makes your wife have an orgasm. And then help her to have MANY. For you it is easy. A girl can jiggle around on your lap and you can have an orgasm. If my husband were to jiggle around on my lap, I'd push him off and tell him to go make me a sandwich or do something else useful.
It is YOUR job to make sure your wife is enjoying your sex life. It is your job to make sure you are doing everything to make her happy in bed.
4. ALL In! Sign Me UP!
Yes, you agree, you are all for having more sex with your wife. BUT the problem is your wife wants nothing to do with you.
She goes to bed in ratty old sweats, rolls on her side and totally ignores you. When you try to touch her, she shrugs you off.
What have you done wrong? My reply is simple, what have you done right?
If your wife were satisfied in bed, she would be MORE than happy to "jump your bones" every night. In fact, she would probably be the one initiating it.
So what do you do? Well, remember that Hunny Do list? Do it. Remember to take out the garbage. Do the dishes just because. Vacuum. Help out with the kids. DO something that makes her life easier and she will reward you with sex. Do not buy her flowers or candy. She will see that as you giving her something and wanting sex in return.
WHAT??? Shocker. If your wife isn't happy with you or satisfied in bed, she is only having sex as a way to reward you for something you have done. She doesn't want to have sex to meet her needs. AND THAT IS REALLY REALLY SAD. You have neglected that which you so cherish.
AND when after weeks of nothing, you don't jump on top of her and spend 2.5 minutes, getting it done, you STOP and make her satisfied first. You ask questions. You watch her face for reactions. You pay attention to her needs. If this means you have to have sex twice that night, well, buck up. You can do it.
You need to explore positions and touches that will excite her. NOT make her uncomfortable. Most women are uncomfortable on top because they feel like you can see all of their flaws. It is the easiest position for women to have orgasms in, yet they are fearful you will judge them. Most women like it when you touch us, caress us during sex. Make us feel like we are a part of your journey towards an orgasm.
This will take time. You need to be patient. YOU NEED TO TRY HARDER. And so what happens if you've done everything on your hunny do list and still no sex?
That's easy. Take a picture of your wife, take some lubrication, go to a quiet place, and satisfy yourself while looking at your WIFE, thinking of your wife, and imagining you are with your wife. Not pictures of other women, your wife ONLY. The goal is to strengthen the bond between you two. Plus, if your wife walks in, you can show her a picture of her, and how you are longing for her...might do some good.
5. What Flowers Really Mean
Things you do mean different things to your wife, ESPECIALLY if she is not being satisfied in bed.
1. You bring home flowers.
Her Thoughts: You want sex.
2. You take her out to dinner.
Her Thoughts: You expect sex in return.
3. You email or text her.
Her Thoughts: Why is he bugging me? He must be horny. (Which you probably are, you are a man).
4. You try to touch her in bed.
Her Thoughts: there he goes again, wanting to have sex with me and seriously, what has he done for me?
If your wife is satisfied in bed, the following is true:
1. You bring home flowers.
Her Thoughts: He is so sweet, he must really love me or knows I had a really bad day today.
2. You take her out to dinner.
Her Thoughts: Finally, some time alone to have adult conversations without the kids.
3. You email or text her.
Her Thoughts: He actually cares about me...maybe I can talk dirty to him...
4. You try to touch her in bed.
Her Thoughts: Yes, he's in the mood.
I never think to myself, my husband's doing something because he wants to have sex. I know he wants to have sex. But, I am a highly satisfied woman, so when he tells me I'm beautiful, I believe him. He isn't saying it to get lucky or to sweet talk me. He's saying it because he's saying it.
When, late at night he reaches over to hold me, because he's had a bad dream or a bad day, we hold each other. Not because he wants to have sex, but because he needs that support and comfort.
When a woman is satisfied, she isn't constantly wondering what you are going to do next to get into her pants. When you have a highly satisfied woman, you don't have to wonder that either. You will be a highly satisfied man.
I asked my husband the other day if he remembers what it was like to be sexually frustrated. He thought for a little bit and then said, "Honestly, no."
Wouldn't you want to be able to say that too?
6. What's Out There
I did a recent search on Sex Tips for men. HOLY COW...it is no wonder men are so confused about what is important.
Tips for being the best in bed...um, did they interview your wife??
Tips for lots of things that have virtually nothing to do with your wife and what she likes. Just because one woman may like one thing, doesn't mean that your wife will like it. Experience is only as good as the person you are with.
What has made my life so satisfying is that my husband asks. When he tries something and I don't like it, I push his hand away. Likewise, when I want something, I put his hand there. We communicate.
Once, my husband found a book on 365 different positions. It was quite embarrassing for me. I knew that most of them I would not physically be able to perform. I'm not a 5'8" gymnast. I felt like I wasn't good enough. That the things I could do weren't enough for him. It left me miserable and depressed.
After several days, I finally asked him why he wanted that book. He simply said it looked interesting and might give us some good ideas. Well, I know what feels good, I know what I like. That book didn't help me at all, but telling my husband what I like did. You need to open the doors of communication with your wife to find out what she likes. Don't depend on the words of others who have nothing better to do than fantasize about what they would do with a bendy-flexible barbie doll.
7. October Babies
During a recent trip to Wal-mart, the cashier was lamenting about having three grandchildren born in October. She made several comments about Valentine's Day Babies.
Why are so many babies conceived on Valentine's Day? Because you were nice to your wife and she had sex with you. How sad is that? Your reward for being nice, buying chocolates, going out to dinner was sex. Shouldn't you just be having sex? Why does it have to be because you are doing something nice? Well, if your wife isn't being fully satisfied, sex is just a tool she uses to control you. She gets what she wants by giving you what you want. IT IS SAD...
Which reminds me, we need to have a chat about birth control. It is the responsibility of BOTH individuals. If you are done having babies, you need to man up and get a vasectomy. My husband had one a couple of months ago. After years of being in charge of birth control, I had enough. He lamented for months about this simple procedure: 30 minutes on a table, snip snip, a week with ice on his testicles, and all is well. He has little to no side effects. Me, on the other hand, certain birth control options come with high hormone levels and higher chances for cancer.
If you are still at the age to have babies, take charge. Do what you need to do to make sure your wife doesn't have to worry about getting pregnant. This fear KILLS orgasms. Seriously, if your wife is worried about getting pregnant, she isn't going to enjoy sex as much, or at all. That fear is a strong one. So you need to be a man and take charge of this. Don't assume your wife likes taking a pill every day or getting a shot or having something inserted into her cervix. It is a lot of stress that women don't need on their shoulders.
So, you want to have more sex with your wife.
Are you actively doing the Hunny Do list?
When you have sex, are you taking time to see what she enjoys?
Are you making sure she is satisfied before you are satisfied?
Are you being nice?
Do you touch her when you see her? Hugs? Small of her back?
Do you hold her hand when you are out and about?
Do you tell her you love her?
Are you emailing or texting...JUST her?
Are you checking her facebook and tweets and responding?
MAKE an effort and it will pay off. Don't just bank on sex on some made up holiday. Sex is a way to bond with your wife. It is a way to like and love her more.
REMEMBER: When your wife is totally satisfied, when you buy her flowers, she isn't wondering what you want, she is thinking you love her...and don't you want your wife to think...KNOW you love her?
8. Family Fued
While watching stupid videos, I came across this one, sent to me by a friend. She thought it was so funny. What I saw was yes, something that was funny, but something that rings true to this site.
The questions was, "As a married man, you would do BLANK for sex."
Notice that the women say things like, "cook" and "clean", while the men say stuff like, "kill, die, beg." Funny, but if the men would cook and clean, they would get more sex.
That 10 minutes you spend washing the dishes when you get home, is 10 minutes your wife doesn't have to spend on one more thing to do around the house. It's only 10 minutes. Only 10. But, for your wife, that might be the last bit of energy she has. SO that equals no sex. All the energy is spent.
However, if you spare her that last 10 minutes of work, it may pay off in the bedroom.
Rewatch this and listen to the women's responses.
9. Get Out, Get a Lock
Get your kids OUT of your bed. Get them OUT of your bedroom.
Every person needs a place. Your place, you and your spouse, your most intimate place, is your bed.
Children need to sleep in THEIR own BEDS, in THEIR OWN ROOMS.
People have lots of reasons for having kids sleep with them. I can guarantee the #1 reason your wife wants kids in bed is so you leave her alone.
The ONLY reason a kid should even be in your bedroom is if you have a studio apartment and even then you should have dividers up.
If you children throw a tantrum and don't want to be out of your bed, go to the store and buy something called a LOCK. Put it on your door and use it. The kids will get the idea. Sleeping on the floor, outside of your locked bedroom door isn't very comfortable. If the two options are the floor or their bed, they will pick their bed, eventually.
But, but, but...NO BUTS. Get them out of your space. Get them out of your bed. Do you know what you do in that bed...well, probably nothing if the kids are there.
Kids need their own space, too.
If you are afraid for your kids, ask yourself this question, how long did you sleep in your parent's bed? Wait, you didn't, did you? And you survived?
Now, this DOESN'T mean you move into your kid's bed with them.
Stop the insanity and just enjoy each other. Enjoy the closeness of each other. Become a mass of two bodies, intertwined and happy. Nothing should separate that. Not a 2-month-old, not a 12-year-old.
10. Do you need any help?
Let me set the stage:
I've had a long day at work. I'm home now, making dinner. You walk in and ask, "Do you need any help?"
Seriously. Are you kidding me? DO I NEED ANY FREAKING HELP???
The dog puked on the floor, the kitchen is a mess, dinner is burning on the stove, I'm elbow deep into a stack of dishes, the kids are screaming somewhere, the dryer is buzzing, AND YOU ASK ME IF I NEED ANY HELP???
"No." is usually my answer. What I am thinking is you are too stupid or uncaring to not see that my whole world is in upheaval. That ANY help would be appreciated. If you can't hear the kids or the buzzer or see the vomit, then you just don't love me. In fact, I'm hoping you slip on the vomit, bash your head on the messy counter, and die.
You are thinking, "I really need to pee, it's been a long day, I should ask if she needs help." Silently hoping, maybe, I say no so you can go pee and just relax. No sex for you buddy. I can guarantee that.
The problem isn't in the desire to help. The problem is in the way the question was asked.
If, instead, you asked, "What would you like me to do first?" You acknowledge there is a problem The first way, Do you need help? turns a blind eye to the fact that, yes, can't you tell I need help?
Resentment lives in the first question, even though the intentions may be good.
A typical day at my house is me getting home after a long day, four kids and two dogs needing stuff from me. After helping with homework, NOT DOING HOMEWORK FOR THEM, I start dinner.
My husband comes home and cheerfully asks, "What can I do first?"
I've already got a list. HOWEVER, he just walked in the door. He's still in his work clothes. Now, I'm still in my work clothes, but I'm used to that. He will be more willing to help in shorts and a t-shirt.
I say something like, "Why don't you take some time for yourself, change, and then you can come help." So he does.
Wow, I acknowledge you need some time and acknowledged you have asked to help.
Now, I know it can take some time for my husband to come back downstairs. I don't leave things I need done right away for him to do. Nor do I give him the things I hate to do.
- Can you check on the puppies? Make sure they have food and water.
- Can you check on the kids? Make sure they are doing whatever it is they are supposed to be doing? Know that this request may mean you don't see your husband again, as he will probably crash in whatever room the kids are in and fall asleep. Still, occasionally, what a treat for him. He's helping and gets to take a nap.
- Can you set the table? Make the salad? Switch over the laundry? Sweep the floor?
I also try to find things he can do by my side. So I can ask him about his day and talk to him about mine.
I don't ask him to do everything, but as I am working, he can be working with me. We are enjoying time together. Isn't that what we should be doing?
Things get done quicker and we have more time to do other things.
Now, if you are that kind of person who has to have everything done perfectly, quit it. Accept the help. Again, just like in the bedroom, if your husband isn't doing it right, show, tell, guide him on the correct way to do things. He doesn't live in your brain. He doesn't see the world the same way you do and that's ok.
You're a team, remember.
So if you get home and she still says, "No." LOOK AROUND. What seems to be out of place? What do you know she hates doing? Vacuuming? The dishes? Laundry? Cleaning the bathroom? Just do it.
If you want to be around her, set the table, sweep the floor. Be there. Don't give up. Change is hard. Hopefully, you will be too, later on...when she has the energy to play.
11. Priming the Pump
A long time ago, I heard this story about a man walking in the desert. He finally makes it to a ghost town and finds an old well. Beside the well is a jug of water with a note attached. The note reads: in order to make the pump work, you must dump all of the water from this jug into the well. The man is dying of thirst. The water looks so very inviting.
So what would you do? Drink the water, quench your thirst and then die shortly there after from thirst or dump all of the life saving water into the pump, in hopes the well will provide all you need and more.
Yes, this is an analogy of your sex life. And the pump, well that's your wife.
It is a FACT that women take longer to have orgasms. In fact, by the time you are done, your wife is probably still wondering what is going on or what needs to be done tomorrow or when the laundry will be done. SAD FACT.
So, you need to prime the pump. If your wife is fond of toys, now I'm a firm believer you are the best toy your wife has, but if she likes toys, start with them. Find your wife's g-spot. If you have no idea what that even means, boy you are the only one enjoying sex.
Touch, ask, touch, ask, repeat. Find out what makes her moan, groan, and totally agree with you. Get her into such a happy state, BEFORE you even have sex with her.
Women enjoy orgasms. We will give you all the excuses in the book not to have sex, but truth is, if you were giving your wife proper, frequent orgasms, she'd be jumping you the minute you climbed into bed, if you even make it that far. Kitchen counters are nice. Couches are nice. Hallways are nice.
So yes, you have to dump all the water into the pump. The note on the jug ended with "Be sure to refill this jug, so others may enjoy the water too."
Don't be an orgasm hog. Prime the pump. Share the water.
12. To the Winner of the Race
There will always be a time when you need to get a gift for your wife. The thought is easy, what makes her happy? If you haven't already, fill out the survey at www.5lovelanguages.com. It is of vital importance to know what makes your wife happy and feel loved.
Basically, there are 5 different ways to feel love:
Words of affirmation.
Acts of service.
EVERYONE is different. If you take the test and your love language is words of affirmation, having someone tell you, you are AMAZING, is all you need. You probably give lots of words of affirmation to others. Which is great, except if your wife's love language is receiving gifts, your words will not equate to love.
Let's put this in terms of someone running a race.
Physical touch would be someone patting the person on the back when they cross the line.
Words of affirmation would be yelling and cheering as they cross the line.
Receiving gifts would be winning the trophy or a bouquet of flowers.
Quality time would be standing at the finish line as they finish the race, or being strategically placed throughout the entire race.
Acts of service would be getting the runner water, carrying their stuff, or taking them out for ice cream after the race.
All of these things have value, but if you don't know which one your wife values more than the others, trying to scratch her love itch will be really hard. Someone who values quality time doesn't want gifts, they want time, with you. Physical touch doesn't mean sex, but it does mean touching.
Know that the test results change. People are constantly changing. Take the test often, you may find that your love itch isn't being scratched. So get talking about what you need. Don't be afraid to speak up and let your wife know what you need, so she can speak your love language.
13. DON'T Try This at Home
Imagine this: you come upstairs and find a sleeping wife and decide it would be a good idea to have her touch your very nice erection. After all, you'd spent the last few minutes thinking about having sex with her.
What would happen? Would your wife be thrilled?
If you tried something like that, any number of things could happen, but more often than not, you will be rejected. What's her motivation to actually wake up? What have you done for her lately?
Sex any time you wanted with a willing partner. I know it sounds crazy, but it could be you. How do I know, easy, six years ago, I was sitting in your shoes. Not only would I have rejected my husband, I would have probably yelled at him, belittled him, and made him feel like he was doing something wrong. It's not that I didn't enjoy sex, I just didn't enjoy sex all that much.
So what changed? I changed. I got vocal. I found what I liked and worked at it, daily. I have not been sexually frustrated in years. I sleep soundly at night, most of the time intertwined with the man I love.
Now he did some changing too. He listened, asked, experimented. He got to have sex, a lot. A whole lot. Darn, poor guy.
So, where do you start? The Hunny Do List. Do it. Do things for your wife so she has energy to be with you. It will pay off. At first, she will be skeptical, because you are only doing things because you want to have sex, so don't. Don't do things because you want to have sex. Do things because you want to help and you will be rewarded.
You need to open a line of communication up, in the bedroom. Get vocal. Your wife should be ahead in the orgasm score board BEFORE you even insert your penis into her. Prime the pump.
Buy her stuff, flowers, candy, her favorite whatever, just because you love her, with NO EXPECTATIONS of sex. I know this sounds scary, but it WILL pay off in the end. Trust has to be built and right now, all you want is sex. That's all she thinks you want from her. Can't you just leave her alone so she can be? Well, no. You are there to help and you will help. Not for any reason except to help.
So how long did it take? Well, I was married 18 years before I came to this sexual understanding. Many of those years I was pregnant and tired. The last thing I wanted was for my husband to use me for sex. Yup, that's what I thought. He couldn't do anything for me and all he wanted from me was sex.
Now, my husband is a wonderful guy. He works hard, he provides for us. He was always helping, just not in the ways I thought he should be helping. We were totally not communicating.
What he was doing to help out, I grew to consider expectations. He did his part, I did mine, and I resented him for not helping with mine. Not fair, I know, but that's the way it was.
So 10 minutes of helping could equal 10 minutes of fun in bed, when the kids are asleep, the dog's been walked, life is manageable, time to have fun.
Don't give up! And do try this at home!